hey you. it's been a long time. come sit. rest your feet. 

I've missed this place. its comfort. how many stretch marks these poems have symbolized. growing too much too fast with all y'all.

the world outside isn't pretty. dA has probably changed so much it doesn't look anything similar to what it used to be when I was fourteen. but then again, that was eight years ago. eight. I'm 22 now, genderqueer, almost-author of three poetry books (you can buy my first book here: bit.ly/2J436Sm ), in my second last year of medical school and a comedian.

yeah that happened. I'm touring with all-femme comedy troupe in my country and it's kinda wicked cool, haha. been dabbling in musical comedy and you know, I'm actually kind of good. 

I keep coming back in hopes of salvaging some parts of me that wrote like I used to. but I'll just write from what's bursting through my ribcage instead. this place will always be home. it will always be where I spilled the absolute end of my heart out. the friends I made here are people I hope to meet someday. 

I hope you're taking good care of your heart. good care of you. you deserve it. <3

just dropping in to say hello/I'm alive/I don't particularly want to be/but shit needs to be done/I hope you're well, in no particular order.

it's been a while since I've updated this space so enjoy my little hopeful poem here:

Mature Content

a lot has happened since the last time we spoke, friends.

1. I removed myself from a press that was outright robbing me and started my own press here in Pakistan, after my own name, which I'm only using to release a second edition of my first book, Home and Other Debris.

2. I won the 2018 National Poetry Slam and became the only woman to earn the title in the competition's three year running! that was pretty cool.

3. I finished writing my second book, tentatively titled, heart the size of a loosening fist with a press that makes me feel like a Real Person and Artist who Deserves Respect.

4. my petri dish of mental illnesses is a roller-coaster ride I am not enjoying in the least so I delude myself into staying in the moment and focusing at each task at hand. it's been working.

5. this glowing review of my book keeps me alive.

how have you been doing, friends? what keeps you here?

sending love from my too-big heart to you all, always.

- O

I can't remember why I update this, but lately I've been learning to take things at face value. I've been trying to identify what parts of me stay behind when my previous anchors lift their own weight. I've been trying to pinpoint what makes me so heavy. I miss Chester the same way I miss myself.

When I've tried to explain to anyone else how my fears have come out of my mouth so many times I may as well have a rosary in my hands, I am always told that I am above them and their power. And I am. I made peace with my demons a long time ago; they just haven't made their peace with me.

So this lingering dread can live out its time but there are days on never-ending lists I have stared shit in the eye and asked it to bring it. It was brought. And then it was brought the fuck down. Wherever you are, whoever you are, you have got this and I fucking believe in you.

i keep opening and shutting this tab and have been for weeks but finally, hey, hi, how are you, is anyone there?

it's been an obscene amount of time since i last checked this place and read things. i miss it of course, but in the way we miss things that we know have lived their course all the way through. seeing how horrendous my devwatch looks today, i'll be going through all the visual pieces but please leave a comment with written pieces you are most proud of

in return, let's get the boring stuff out of the way. did you know i have an instagram account specifically for my writing? no? follow me there! if you don't do ig, i have a facebook page that i'm working on using more in light of my book release, Home and Other Debris coming out in two months!

2017 has been crazy. i haven't been submitting to magazines or anthologies as much. third year, though the most learning-heavy year in medical school so far, is kicking my ass. it would've been okay if i wasn't unraveling after years of repressing shit to function but hey, repressers can be choosers, i guess. this year started off with a horrible, horrible realization of the full extent of my PTSD. needed to end that sentence there.

i went to therapy and was disappointed right out. therapy in general, has been the single most exhausting thing i've ever had to do. there were days when i was beaming with the progress i had made and spent a few weeks completely addicted to neuro-hypnotic repatterning. and... i've made a lot of progress. the rage of everything that's happened to me hits me hard sometimes and i've basically given up on the notion that i can have a proper studying schedule with the way my head has been lately. but i'm also learning to accept that it's okay.

if what i was doing to survive wasn't resilience before, it sure is now. i am not heroic to myself in the least. but i do think the broken bits of me are airing themselves out in sunlight for the very first time. instead of shutting the siren under my tongue, i am learning to talk to it and ask what it's so afraid of. some days i treat myself like a child so i have no excuse to neglect myself. others, i learn to hold the child's pinky instead of fussing over them.

i can feel my mental skin stretching inside my cranial vault and it hurts so fucking much some days but that's why they call it growing pains; no part of this was meant to be easy.

don't forget to leave pieces you're proud of in the comments section and follow me on extra-dA sites until next time, loves.

so this happened and I can't thank you guys enough for making this transition from dA-me to world-me but thank you, truly from the bottom of my heavily caring heart

so you know what this means? for those who missed it, Where Are You Press conducts a yearly poet contest where they read hundreds of manuscripts for their contest and a select few win the chance to get published; this year I received this amazing opportunity, and they're looking to publish my chapbook, Home and Other Debris, in 2017 Insha'Allah!!!

since I can't promise a book giveaway any time soon, I can promise you a free spoken world album! my second spoken word album, "all the colors my hair has worn," will be coming out in November, Insha'Allah. it's about my battle with a long period of abuse that I can never quite talk about unless the details are spaced out over the course of years, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's okay. it's not something I ever want to talk about outside the purpose of making art, but I hope you find comfort in it, when it does come out. there's no physical copy this time around but I hope the digital ones are a treasure to hold and hug you when you need them

here's the artwork!





I hope you're all doing so well, thank you for everything that you do thank you, thank you, thank you

- Orooj